I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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