meet me or not, i'm out of control
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
