the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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