Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
