its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
