SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
