we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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