If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
