Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
