he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
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