we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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