I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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