I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
