the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
