Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
