my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
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