So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
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