apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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