I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
