Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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