Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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