i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
