You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
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