Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize