You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
