I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
