My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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