How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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