My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
nutella sex= disaster
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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