That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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