his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
