i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
