I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
