her facebook's as public as her vagina
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
