my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
