Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
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