I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
