can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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