I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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