How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
