He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
