like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
