I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
