just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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