what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
