I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
