She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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