i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
