there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
