I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
