I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
