It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
