I wish I could punch you in the face.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
This is the high leading the old right now
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
